You’ve Got Mail

Faith tries to make amends by email.



Characters: ,


Genre: , ,



Length: words

Notes: Yet another fic inspired by “Stan” by Eminem. I’ve been playing it non-stop for about eighteen months and I still haven’t moved on! (Again, I state Dido should stop being so snooty – it was because of Eminem she got her big break)

Chapter 1

To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Please read this

Hey B,

I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from right now, but I have to say something: I’m sorry.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, as if two little words could take back all I’ve done to you. But I don’t want you to think I don’t think about what I’ve done. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night, worrying about how I’ve made you feel.

No, I don’t want your pity. I don’t even expect your forgiveness. I don’t even expect a reply, but I’m gonna email you every chance I get, and I’m hoping that one day you’ll answer me.


To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: (none)

Hey B,

Me again. I bet you thought I wouldn’t bother emailing again. Then again, maybe you’ve just trashed both emails without even reading them. I wouldn’t blame you if you did. That’s why I’m gonna keep on writing you. To prove that this time, when I say I’m sorry I really mean it.

I am. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry about everything, there are so many bad things I’ve done, they come back to me at night. I suddenly remember something I had forgotten. If it makes you feel any better, it makes me sick.

I’m not going to ask you to reply to me, I’m gonna leave that up to you.


To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Don’t bin this!

Hi B,

Sorry about the perky subject line, I don’t think I’m supposed to make jokes when I’m apologising, takes away the sincerity or something. I just want you to know that this isn’t a phase, or an elaborate scam to get your trust and wreck your life again.

I’ve changed. You probably don’t believe it, but I have, and I’m gonna keep on changing until I’m more like you. Ok, that’s probably going too far, you’re probably laughing at me now. But B, one of the reasons I went so crazy is because I wasn’t you. People expected me to be like you and I wasn’t. I was like me, which is a really bad thing. I’m trying to be a good person.



To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Me again!

Hey B,

How’s life? Like I have a right to know. Sorry, this place is getting to me, there’s a girl here who reminds me a lot of me. The way I used to act around you, goading you. She’s determined to make me fight her, but I won’t. I can’t even defend myself against her because I’m far stronger than her. One wrong move and she could be dead, I don’t think I could have another death on my conscience. It would drive me crazy.

Too late, huh? B, if I could change things I would. If there was any way I could make things better I would do it, but right now all it seems I can do is keep my head down, not fight and make my apologies to everyone I’ve ever met.

It’s not going too bad, Wes wrote me last week with a care package. Typical Wes, it was one of those correspondence courses so I could pick up the classes I dropped when I got called. I’m gonna do it too. It’s another time filler until I get out of here.

Gotta go,


Chapter 2

To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Are you sick of me yet? You’re not the only one

Hey there B,

Even if you don’t reply, you have no idea how much you’re helping me. You’re like my diary or something. When I have a really bad day, it’s ok because I know I can sign up for some net time and email you.

I’ve had a really bad day. Remember that girl I was telling you about? She and four of her flunkies jumped me yesterday. They beat the crap out of me. When I didn’t stand up for myself they got more mad and really whaled on me.

I just curled up in a ball and let it happen. I’m not going to hurt people anymore, not even if I think it’s justified, because you know—more than most—what I feel is justified is most often not.

I finally passed out and woke up in the sanatorium, I’ve got some wicked ugly bruises, B. Almost as bad as when you and me when head to head at my apartment. Oh, I’ve also got a nasty cut down my back, I haven’t got a clue how it happened.

It kinda hurts to move, but I’m waiting for that Slayer healing to kick in and then I’ll be five by five again. Besides, it feels good to hurt like this. I don’t mean that in a weird S & M way, I mean, I’m still human if it hurts. And I probably deserved it for all the people I’ve whaled on before. Do you believe in Karma? I’m beginning to.

Take care and give those vamps hell from me.


To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Better day

Hey B,

I’m feeling better today. Which probably doesn’t make you feel good. Again, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I can fuck up your life by just existing, if it makes you feel any better my skin’s a wicked shade of purple.

I think what I’m gonna have to do is tell you why I’ve done every single thing I’ve done to you. Maybe then you’ll have a glimpse of what it was like to be me. I’m not trying to excuse my behaviour, but I am asking you to… not understand, just know how I felt. It’s helping me to tell you things, maybe it will help you too. God, now I sound like my shrink. Did you know I’m seeing a shrink? Angel set it up for me.

Look, I gotta go, some chick is waiting for time on the terminal, but next time I promise I’ll start telling you stuff.

Again, give ‘em hell.


To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Invading your space


Remember last time I emailed I said I’d start telling you exactly why I did what I did. Well, here goes:

When you first met me, I know you didn’t like me. Or at least, you felt like I was trying to take over your life. And I know it looked that way, Red even called you “B”. But it wasn’t like that.

I’ve never been a part of anything. I wasn’t part of a family, I’ve never had friends, drinking buddies, sure, but not friends, my Watcher was dead, and there was you. Buffy Summers. Golden Girl, surrounded by loving family, friends and Watcher, you even had a boyfriend that knew about the Slayer deal and didn’t care. I didn’t know at the time that your first Watcher died, just like mine, I didn’t know your boyfriend had a curse on his soul and how much pain you went through with him, I didn’t realise the trouble you had adjusting when you got back after you ran to LA.

What I’m trying to say is: I knew jack about you, but made all these assumptions because of what I saw. Dumb, I know, but I was feeling insecure and I get defensive when I’m insecure. So I jumped in and acted like I was a part of it already. I didn’t know how to make friends, I still don’t.

If that upset you, I’m sorry. But I guess how you felt about that is nothing compared to what I’ve put you through since.

Til next time.


To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Homecoming dance

Hey Summers,

I meant to ask, how’s Red and her girlfriend, I didn’t upset them did I? I probably did. Tell them I’m sorry. Red kinda shocked me, I didn’t think she was… well, I can usually spot gay feelings a mile off. Didn’t on Red. Tell ‘em I said good luck to them, they look good together. On second thoughts, I might jinx them. You say something to them, put it nicely and tell them I said it. You won’t be lying, you’ll just be putting my disjointed feelings into words.

Anyway, next event. Homecoming Dance. Remember when I asked you? Did you know I was asking you out? No, I guess you didn’t. I bet Red shocked you too. It was a good night, aside from you and Cordy being hijacked and having to fight for your lives, I mean. But you and me, we had a good time, didn’t we?

I hope we did. Well, I know I did. What I mean is I hope you had a good night too. That’s kinda my one night I look back on and don’t have any bad feelings about. I tried to make up for barging into your life by embarrassing Scott Hope for you. Can you please look back on that and at least think, that’s one good thing Faith did for me. You deserved better than him. You deserve far better than me.

Talking way too much.


Chapter 3

To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: My “Watcher”

Hey B,

Moving on to Gwendoline Post. She was quite possibly a bigger bitch than me. I don’t blame her for making me crazy, but I do blame her for making me get to a crazy place as quickly as I did. She told me stuff, that you were excluding me, having secret meetings and stuff.

Now, I’ve already told you how I felt. You: Golden Girl, Me: Gatecrasher. So when I found out that you had a meeting without me, it pushed me further away from you and the Scoobs. Maybe I didn’t have a right to be there in the first place, but that kind of logic doesn’t help when you’re hurting.

You know when you came to my place after we killed good ol’ Gwen, and I almost told you something? I haven’t got a clue what I was going to say, but I’ve got a very strong feeling that if I’d just said something things might be different.

What do you think? Could I have changed, or am I going to be a screw up forever?


To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Bad girls


Strangely that was the best night of my life. Not the killing. I swear. His face is the last thing I see before I sleep at night.

But us, B. You and me, just going wild and being Slayers. You’re right, being a Slayer isn’t the same as being a killer. I’m getting it, that’s why I didn’t fight back when queen bitch and her flunkies kicked the shit out of me.

But that whole day. You cutting class and us going into that vamp lair. Fighting. Dancing. I know you felt it too, B. I know it. It scared you, but not me. If only I’d… I don’t know. I don’t know exactly what I should have done that night to stop the events from happening, but you did it, why didn’t I?

The last sentence made sense to me, if not to me. That guy, Alan Finch, came up on us so quickly, I swear I didn’t know he was human. I wouldn’t have done what I did if I knew.

B, maybe this is the first answer you really want. Why did I blame you?

It wasn’t 100% cowardice. But, B, you were their angel, you saved the day every single time, I was just second best. They loved you, that’s why I blamed you. I didn’t want you to fall from grace, that wasn’t what it was about. God, I can’t seem to say what I mean, but I hope you get it. You’re the oldest living Slayer, the Watcher Diaries are full of your escapades, all glowingly written. Even my Watcher, much as she cared for me, she had this look on her face when she talked about you. A look I recognise from my childhood. A why can’t you be more like her? look. I knew they would forgive you and help you. They wouldn’t for me.

I was scared, B. So scared, and I just acted stupidly. I’m sorry.


To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Quick message

Hey B,

This email’s gonna be short, somehow they’ve double booked. And there’s chick with purple hair standing behind me. Reading every word I type…


Sorry, B. But she’s gone now.

Anyway, I’ve gotta go to, I just thought I’d let you know I’m still here. I’m not piking out of the how hug and grow thing we’ve got going.

Next time we talk about the mayor.

Say hey to everyone, if you want to. If you don’t I understand.



To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Worse

Hey B,

You wanna know why I went to the mayor. Or maybe you don’t, but I’m gonna tell you because I promised myself that I’d follow through with this, no matter how hard it got.

I went to the mayor straight after I staked Trick. I needed some time away from you and the Scoobies. I didn’t know where I was going until I got there. I figured—hoped actually—that he would kill me.

But he didn’t. He did something worse. He was kind to me. He treated me like his daughter. He was so proud of me, B. And he loved me, he called me ‘his Faith’ or ‘his little firecracker’ which is what my Mom used to call me.

If my Dad had done half the things that the Mayor did for me, maybe I’d still be ok. Well, not all the killing and the wannabe demon thing, but B, he bought me dresses, and a Playstation and an apartment. He treated me like his daughter. He loved me. Nobody else ever had.

He didn’t care that I was the second Slayer, or that I wasn’t you. He was happy with me being me. Maybe you don’t understand, or maybe you do. You were me for a day or so, imagine all that hate, distrust, disgust, everything, imagine that on a smaller scale.

Now imagine that on a daily basis for as long as you can remember.

Then imagine that magnified when you made a mistake, and every time you made a mistake the feelings towards you got worse. Then you do something really bad and nobody wants you. Then one man is kind to you.

You try being me for a lifetime and not doing what I did.

Jesus, I can’t even apologise without chucking blame in your direction. I’m sorry, B, but I’m still so jealous of you.

I’m gonna have to go, people are staring at me, I guess I’m about…


Chapter 4

To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Where were we?

Hi B,

Sorry about my abrupt departure. I had to throw up, then cry. Can you imagine me crying? Probably not, but I did. Not only that, queen bitch appeared and kicked the shit out of me for being a cry-baby—those were her exact words. Just knowing what I could do to her is hard, she drives me crazy and I want to retaliate, but I could kill her, I don’t want that on my conscience. Not again. I couldn’t live with it.

Look, I gotta go, net time is scarce in here, but I’ll email you tomorrow.


To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: What next?

Hey B,

Where were we? Sleeping with Angel, I think that was it. I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have. That wasn’t about him, B. It was about you. I knew how much you and Angel loved each other and I wanted to take it away from you.

I wanted you to feel alone.

And I didn’t want to be alone anymore. Maybe Angel couldn’t love me, but maybe Angelus could… well, an evil vamp can’t love, but maybe he’d be my companion.

I was in a dark place, B. I didn’t want to be alone. But it wasn’t Angel I wanted with me. Not really. He was just a… I guess this is hurting you, isn’t it? The fact that I stole your lover not because I wanted him, but because he was there.

I’m sorry B. I really am.


To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Angel again.

Hey B,

So, next up. Why I tried to kill your honey. Ok, I’m gonna be brutally honest here, which might end up hurting you or offending you again, and I don’t mean to do that.

Jesus, purple girl is back.

I can’t say this with…



She ain’t going, B.



To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Minus Purple Girl

Hey B,

Sorry about the last message. Purple girl ain’t here, well, she’s here but not behind me this time. I can see her, she’s across the room from me, occasionally grinning and sticking her fingers up at me. What’s her problem? Do I read over her shoulder when she’s pouring out her heart? No.

Stuck my fingers up at her and stuck my tongue out too, just for good measure.

Right, I’m back again. Sorry about that. Jesus, she’s still grinning.

B, I’m gonna be brutally honest as promised. This may well explain my actions over the years.

I’m in love with you. Totally. Crazily. Emphasis on crazily.

You and Angel had each other, and to me it didn’t seem right and I was jealous of him, not you the whole time, despite what I said and what you thought. I’ve never wanted anyone but you. You see, B, he’s a vampire, you’re a Slayer, and I’m a Slayer too. I thought that you and I had a connection, and I was crazy jealous of Angel.

But you loved him, not me. You’d think after all these years of practice rejection must be a piece of cake for me. Well it’s not. The more I’m rejected, the worse it feels. You’re what I wanted more than anything in the world and you didn’t want me. It hurt, B. It hurt a lot.

I’ve gotta go.


PS: Purple girl just winked at me.

Chapter 5

To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Wassup?

Hey B,

You didn’t reply. That’s ok, wasn’t expecting you to. In fact, you’ve probably unplugged your modem and moved halfway across the state from my last revelation. Again I say, it’s ok. I don’t want anything from you B. Really. I get it, you’re straight. I just wish my brain had processed that before I went psycho and Mayor-lovin’.

Anyway, again I’ve got the same problem, we’ve double-booked again. Hang on a second.

B, I’ll be right back. You’ll never believe this, Purple Girl’s just offered me her terminal in exchange for a pack of cigarettes. brb


To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Wassup? Pt 2!

How cool was that?

Anyway, where was I? Ah, rambling that’s where I was. Since I’ve been seeing this shrink I’ve turned into Willow. Ok, I probably just insulted your best friend and I’m sorry. But I have, babble central, or at least I am where you’re concerned. Maybe it’s just ‘cos I’ve got so much to apologise for.

Anyway, (I’ve used that word far to many times, must buy a thesaurus—or learn how to use the online one) that fight you and I had at my apartment, that wasn’t about us fighting, B. That was me trying to end it. Everything I’ve done to you since I killed that guy—Alan Finch—the shrink says I have to use his name, focus on his humanity, (hrmm, he worked for the Mayor, how much humanity could he have?) that he was a person, with feelings etc. Well, it works, I have guilt. Lots of it.

I keep wandering. Everything I’ve done to you since I killed Alan was one suicide attempt after another. I thought, if you couldn’t off me for the sake of it, maybe you could if your honey was in danger of dying and Slayer blood was the cure.

Look I gotta go, you’re not the only one who’s getting online apologies. Wes and Angel are good, but Cordy’s still a bit frosty with me.


To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Hey

Hey B,

I’ve managed to get some more net time. I grabbed a good time, by the looks of it, I’ve just been IM-ing Cordy for about 15 minutes. Wasn’t too terrible, she’s warming up to me a bit, she says when I get out she’s gonna take me shopping and teach me how to dress. Do you know any ways I could stay here longer without actually committing a crime?

Right, switching bodies with you. That was really low, I know it B. It’s just there was this tape that the mayor left and watching it and listening to what he said about there not being a place in the world for ‘his Faith’ made me want to lash out at someone. As always, that someone was you.

I don’t know how many times I can say I’m sorry until you believe me, but I will keep on saying it. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. I’m sorry about Riley too.

Are you ever going to reply?


To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: Hey Buff


How’s it going? Purple Girl says howdy. She hasn’t got a clue who you are, she probably thinks you’re my online pal, my cyber-bud or something, but she walked past my terminal and said “Whoever you’re emailing, tell ‘em hi.”

I’m hoping you respond with a hi directed at me rather than her, but I wouldn’t blame you if Purple Girl was your first priority in here. Do you think one day you might reply? I’m not trying to… I don’t know. I mean, I probably don’t deserve it, but I’d really like it if you did.

I’m not asking to be your friend, B. Neither of us is ready for that, but I guess I’m asking that you acknowledge me. That’s enough for now.



To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: (none)


How’s life? Mine’s ok, queen bitch and her flunkies have backed off a bit, they’ve found a new girl to terrorise. I try to protect her on occasion, but I’m scared of what I might do if I lose control. Can you imagine me scared? Probably not.

The shrink thing’s going ok, except I’m getting nightmares. When I told her that her eyes lit up excitedly and she asked for details. I’m not gonna bore you with the nitty-gritty but essentially she thinks I’ve repressed a load of memories. Great, more crap to feel guilty about.

Take care of yourself and get dusting girl,


(still hoping)

End Notes:

Warning: There’s LOTS of bad language in the next chapter. Don’t say I didn’t warn you if it upsets your tender ears. It’s also a very short chapter.

Chapter 6

To: “B”

From: “Faith”

Subject: (none)

Ya know what, B?

I don’t need ya. I don’t. I’m sick of your high and mighty fucking attitude. You were there too that night when I killed that man, weren’t you? Well, weren’t you?

And what did I get? “Faith, YOU killed a man!” Well, you didn’t stop me, did you? Did you lift a finger? No. You just yelled “Faith, no!” You didn’t reach out to stop me, and you could have, your reflexes are better than mine, after all you’re the better fucking Slayer, aren’t you?

Miss fucking perfect fucking Buffy fucking Summers. Did you help me? No, you just stood there looking all martyr-like. And after that, you didn’t come and try to help me, not you personally, nope, you went running to Giles to ask him for advice. Him and the fucking watchers council. Bastards. You didn’t do a thing to help me. You just wanted someone else to take the problem from you so you could back off to a safe distance.



Screw you.

Why did I think I could ever do enough to ‘atone for my sins’ for the perfect B.

It’s been six months and still no word. I don’t deserve this. Ok, I’m a bad person and you’re perfect, but you could have at least sent back something.

No more of this.

Don’t worry, B. I found the courage. I can do it this time. This time I won’t screw you over.

Fuck you.


Chapter 7

“There. Done.” Willow extricated herself from behind Buffy’s desk. “One modem fixed.”

“Thanks, Will. What would I do without you?”

“Have to pay vast amounts and join a six month waiting list for a modem repair man?” The redhead joked. “Although, you should take better care of your computer, how long has it been broken?”

“I dunno.” Buffy shook her head, then stroked the ends of her hair, searching for split ends. “I went to check my email the other day and it wouldn’t dial.”

“And when was the last time you went online?”

Buffy mentally counted backwards, while Willow looked on in semi-horror. She couldn’t imagine not logging on on at least a weekly basis. Ok, it used to be a daily basis, but since Tara had come along different things had taken priority, like Tara for example.

“I’d say it was, four months… no wait, six. Definitely six.”

“Six months, wow. You’re gonna have a lot of email to check. Either that or no email to check. They delete your account if you don’t use it often enough.”

“Damn it. It took me hours to set up the account in the first place. Maybe I should just admit defeat, why does a Slayer need email anyway?”

“Because the Watchers Council have finally gone online and want a weekly report from you.” Willow reminded her with a grin.

“Yay, first Slaying takes over my life so I couldn’t do homework, now I finally have no homework for it to get in the way off the Watchers Council gives me homework.” Buffy muttered, turning reluctantly towards the computer and switching it on.

“I can see this is a trying time for you, so I’m going to be a place that’s not here.” Willow squeezed her best friend’s shoulder and let herself out of the Summers house.

Buffy took a seat in front of the computer and dialled up, humming Dido’s Thank You as she did so.

She got into her email server, and tried several passwords before finally successfully logging in on the last attempt before she was blocked. A cheery smiley face told her she was using 87% of her allocated space and that she should consider emptying her inbox a little before the account was blocked.

“Go away.” She muttered. “Email! I think the postal service is about to make a big comeback.”

She clicked on the inbox icon and was shocked to see that almost every email was from She didn’t know for sure who that was, but she had a pretty good idea.

She moved the mouse to the ‘check all’ button, then hit the ‘trash’ icon.

Are you sure you want to permanently delete these messages?
flashed up.

“Sure I’m sure.” She replied, the cursor over the ‘yes’ button.

She paused and moved the cursor to ‘no’. “Then again… oh, it’s probably Faith just mouthing off again.” The cursor moved back to ‘yes’.

“Oh, hell, I’ve got nothing better to do.” She clicked ‘no’. “And besides, she’s been sending them for…” she checked the dates, “Hrrrmm. Six months.” She clicked on the first of Faith’s emails and began to read, sighing in annoyance.

As she read, her annoyance became anger. How dare Faith think a couple of words could fix all that was wrong between them? Then her anger simmered back down to irritation as she continued.

The irritation gave way to compassion when she read about ‘queen bitch and her flunkies’ beating up Faith. She smiled when she heard that Wes sent Faith a correspondence course to make up her schooling. Her compassion turned to warmth when she read Faith’s apologies, delivered with what seemed complete honesty. She was impressed that Faith had kept to her promise to herself to finish apologising for everything.

She blushed when she read that Faith had asked her as a ‘date’ to Homecoming. Yes, she had known what Faith was asking her, she had just chosen to misinterpret it.

On to the next one.

What do you think? Could I have changed, or am I going to be a screw up forever?”

Buffy bit her lip. “You’re not a screw up, Faith. Not anymore. You’re proving that now.” She murmured, and clicked on ‘next’ anxious to read what else Faith had to say.

“Oh, god, Alan Finch.” She said, wondering if talking to a computer screen was a sign of lunacy. She had tears in her eyes by the time she had finished, if she had known what had driven Faith to blaming her she may have been able to help her.

“Oh Faith, why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t I try harder to talk to you? None of this had to happen.”

She clicked on the next button and laughed out loud at Faith’s way of getting rid of Purple Girl.

Say hey to everyone, if you want to. If you don’t I understand.

“I will, I’ll tell everyone how well you’re doing.” She replied to the screen softly.

She clicked on to the next, beginning to understand Faith in a way she never had before. Faith spelled it out to her clearly what drove her to the Mayor. “Oh, shit, Faith. Why didn’t we talk?”

She read the next, and the next and the next, exhausting herself with the emotions she was feeling, sorrow, guilt, happiness, and vast amusement at the odd appearances of Purple Girl. And Faith’s declaration of love for her stirred up other feelings that she had long buried, around the same time Alan Finch was buried. When Faith was no longer her ‘Sister Slayer’ but her mortal enemy.

“Faith, I’m sorry.” She whispered, feeling more tears in her eyes.

She clicked on the last of Faith’s emails, dated only a few hours ago.

“Oh god.” Her hands clapped over her mouth in horror. The torrent of abuse from Faith was bitingly spiteful and deadly accurate. And no wonder, Faith had been pouring out her soul to her and not received one single reply, not a word of encouragement. What must Faith be feeling? Faith couldn’t deal with rejection, there was plenty of evidence of that, Faith even admitted to it.

Well, this time, there would be no rejection. No matter what Faith said, this time Buffy was going to do the right thing. She wouldn’t let Faith’s pride—or her own—get in the way.

Buffy hit the reply button.

Chapter 8

To: “Faith”

From: “B”

Subject: Forgive me?

Dear Faith,

I’ve got something to say to you: I’m sorry I let you down. I let you down in so many ways, so many times, and I don’t know where to begin with my apologies. Everything you said in your last email was true, and I’m so sorry. You were right, I ran like hell from that situation, it was cowardice. It was my fault as much as yours, I’ve always known that, Faith.

And you’re right, I’m a little watcher’s pet, because no-one ever asked if there was anything I could have done to stop it. I’m sorry, Faith. I don’t know if my apologies mean anything to you, but yours meant everything to me.

Everything you said made me see the world through your eyes, and being in your body for 24 hours helped a lot. I want to help you, and I want you to help me. I want to be your friend. I’ve missed you more than words can say. I’ve missed your company, your jokes, your five-by-five’s (what does that mean?), I’ve even missed your grunting!

Yes, Faith, I did know you asked me for a date at Homecoming, but I wasn’t ready for it, but I think, if we hadn’t screwed up that night with Alan maybe I would have been ready soon after.

You see, I’ve always loved you too.

Did I shock you?

I did, I do. I love you. I didn’t want to be gay though. I’ve always considered myself a bit odd, being a Slayer and all, and being gay just seemed too much on top of that. I know it was a stupid way to think, especially when you were so comfortable living the life I was afraid of. But being scared makes people do odd things, I guess our lives are proof of that.

Well, I was wondering, if I could possibly come and visit you. If you’re not ready then that’s fine, I can wait. You waited for me, I can do the same for you. But I’d like to continue this correspondence.

I want to be a part of your life, Faith.

Love always,


Buffy read through the email three times to make sure it sounded right, then hit the send button, a bubble of anxiety in her stomach.

Chapter 9

Buffy paced the room anxiously, waiting for a reply. It was stupid really, Faith had sent the email only a few hours ago, and it was unlikely she’d be on the net again today. Given her bizarre logging in times it was pot-luck as to when Faith would reply.

She re-read Faith’s emails so much that she knew them by heart. She tried to immerse herself in the net, trying to find what the net freaks loved so much about it. She failed, she decided she might have enjoyed it more had she not been flicking back and forth from the web pages to her email account.

She found a page that gave personality tests and started on that. After half an hour she got her results back.

“You can be aggressive and secretive. You find it hard to let people into your life but are very loyal once you do. You react very badly when betrayed. You need to work on your trust, have a little faith.”

Have a little faith? Have a little FAITH?

“I’m trying to!” She yelled at the screen. “And that description is not me, it is Faith!”

She re-took the test and came up with the same results, despite lying a little on the answers.

Buffy finally logged into a chat room, leaving a window open for her emails. She thought awhile before coming up with a nickname. Bee, with the password of Faith.

New to the concept of chat rooms she stayed quiet for awhile, then she noticed a girl called ‘Purple-Girl’ logged in.

“Evening Room! How R U all? I’m wicked cool!”

She was greeted with happy faces and lots of “a/s/l’s” which Buffy didn’t get in the slightest, but that wasn’t her concern at the moment.

Purple-Girl? Wicked cool?

Buffy typed in the only thing she could think of.

“Purple-Girl, Are you Faith?”

It took a few minutes to get a response.

“Hey Bee. Who’s Faith? I’m a catholic myself. a/s/l?”

Buffy logged out in annoyance.

The screen began to hurt her eyes, so she printed Faith’s emails, and began to reread them again, lying on her stomach on her bed.

Her connection timed out a few times and she logged back in every time. She heard Dawn come home and shout goodbyes to whoever dropped her off, she watched as the sun dropped, and finally sank.

She reluctantly logged off to set out for patrol. Maybe she could kill and ugly then come back to an email from Faith. Or maybe not, but killing and ugly might at least focus her attention elsewhere.

Moments after disconnecting the phone rang.

“Hey.” She said into the phone.

“Buffy! Where the hell have you been?”

“Angel?” She asked, slightly shocked. They hadn’t been in contact for quite awhile.

“Where have you been? The phone’s been engaged and your cell phone is off.”

“Um, I’ve… what’s wrong?” She asked, noting the urgency in his voice.

“Faith took an overdose, she’s in Intensive Care. I know that you two don’t get on but—”

“I’ll be right there.” She took directions and hung up.

She called Spike and asked him to stay with Dawn and let the Scoobies know what was going on.

She headed for the car, with the words “Don’t worry, B. I found the courage. I can do it this time. This time I won’t screw you over.” ringing in her ears.

Chapter 10

“Don’t you die on me, Faith.” Buffy muttered for the millionth time since getting in her car. “I’m on my way.”

She cursed herself for not paying enough attention to Faith again since her hours old vow to do so. Why hadn’t she noticed that the last email hadn’t read just as an angry torrent of words? Why hadn’t she noticed that it read a lot like a suicide note?

“Stupid bitch.” She threw a few more choice insults toward herself and some towards the old couple in front of her driving along at two miles an hour.

“Move it!” She yelled as she overtook, narrowly missing an accident. “Great going, B.” She told herself. “Kill yourself while trying to get to a hospital… to save another Slayer no less, has irony.”

How she arrived at the hospital in once piece she didn’t know. She saw Angel waiting for her.

“How is she?” She demanded, forgoing all pleasantries.

“They’ve pumped her stomach, she’s stable.” He replied, looking at her curiously. “To be honest I didn’t expect you to come.”

“That was before these.” She handed him the reams of paper that were Faith’s emails. “Can I see her?”

“This way,” he led her down a corridor. “I didn’t expect Faith to want to see you but she was crying out for you. She’s sleeping right now.”

“Well, can I sit with her?”

Angel gestured to a room with a cop either side of the door.

Buffy entered the room, and was surprised to see a girl her own age with purple hair sitting with Faith, holding her hand.

“Purple Girl?” She asked, barely registering the fact she had spoken.

Purple Girl looked up. “Faith calls me that, you can call me Terri. You must be B.”

“Faith calls me that, you can call me Buffy.”

“Well, Buffy, I’ll leave you to it.” She got up and left the room.

Buffy turned, finally taking in how Faith looked. She felt as if she’d been transported several years to the time Faith was last in hospital. In a manner of speaking, this, just like last time, was her fault too. Faith looked gaunt and pale, her arms were bruised where needles were inserted into her veins.

Buffy moved towards the bed, taking a seat. She took one of Faith’s hands in her own, and was shocked at how cold Faith felt.

She rubbed Faith’s fingers gently, trying to massage some warmth into them. “Are you gonna wake up for me?” She asked gently. “Please, I need to tell you a few things.”

She breathed onto Faith’s hand, then felt foolish, and went back to rubbing it gently. She was pleased to find Faith’s fingers curled around her own.

Faith’s eyes fluttered open, and she managed to croak out a single word. “B.”

“Hey Faith.” Buffy replied warmly.

To her dismay, Faith pulled her hand away and said, “Where’s Terri?” She said in the same croaky voice.

Croaky from the tubes they had shoved down her throat to save her life. Buffy winced and took Faith’s hand once more. “She’s outside. I’ll go get her for you—”


“-after I tell you a few things.”

“B, don’t.” Faith reached for a glass of water, Buffy jumped to her feet instantly to get it for her. She held the glass to Faith’s lips, stroking her hair as she drank.

When Faith was done she looked at Buffy for a long time. “You don’t have to be here, B. Angel or Terri would keep me company.”

“Faith, I’m gonna speak to you the way you spoke to me in your emails.” She told her.

“Forget ‘em.”

“No. Damn you and your stubborn pride!”

“Pot. Kettle. Black.” Faith said tiredly.

Buffy hid a grin and took a seat again. She reached out and took Faith’s hand once more. This time Faith didn’t pull away. She took a deep breath and began speaking.

“Faith, I killed a man too. Not Alan Finch, although you were right about my involvement in that. My Mom dated a guy called Ted. He acted like the step-father from heaven in front of my Mom and friends, but when it was just me he was a creep. One night I had enough and I pushed him down the stairs. It was an accident, just like with Alan. But he died, and for a few hours I felt awful.”

“For a few hours?”

“Yeah, turned out he was a crazed robot.” Buffy was pleased to notice Faith crack a smile at that. “But for the few hours before that, I felt like a murderer. I never wanted to feel like that again. Ever. You were right about me wanting to be a safe distance away from the thing with Alan. I’d been there before, and I didn’t want to go there again. I’m sorry, Faith. I know I can’t ever make it up to you, but I do want to try.”

“Then why didn’t you answer my emails? Why leave me hanging like that?” There was a trace of anger in her voice.

“This sounds like the lamest excuse, but it’s true. My modem was broken. Willow fixed it for me this morning. I really want to be your friend, Faith.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear from you, B.” Faith blinked back tears, and Buffy pretended not no notice.

“Oh. Because I’ve got one more thing to say.”


“I love you.”

End Notes: The sequel is called You’ve Got Confusion.

The temporary ending was this, it was co-written by Kitty! *Sarah grins*

Kitty: Give me closure on the pair of them in YGM! Even if you make a bus fall on B’s head killing her instantly. At least I’ll know where they’re at. lol.

Star: Ok, here’s the final part of YGM.

A bus falls on B’s head, killing her instantly. Faith rejoices, ‘cos B’s a stuck up cow, and decides to shag puple girl instead. The end.

Quick re-write. It wasn’t a bus that fell on B’s head. It was a piano, as Anya was trying out her theory that piano’s kill.

*kitty does a quick re-write to YGM*

Kitty: Buffy looks up, just in time to see Anya pushing a piano down onto her, she rolls quickly away, all her Slayer skills coming into force quickly.

Sorry, Buffy lives.

Star: However, B does not see the ten-ton truck driven by Purple Girl and dies horribly. The end. Damn Kits, this is *my* fic!