Hen Night: Taz

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It’s Taz and Maya’s hen night. I’m hoping Vic will let me know what Maya got up to, since I only own Taz and couldn’t be in two places at once!

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Charlie’s POV

One more bounce, just one, and best friend or not, she’s going out of the window.

Taz bounces.

“Sit still,” I tell her.

She grins and keeps on bouncing.

“Wanna trade places with me?” I ask Fulton.

“No way.”

I’m sitting next to Taz in a cab, taking us to a bar in Minneapolis, actually, it’s Portman’s bar, we figured it would be best if we took Taz somewhere where the staff could be pre-warned about her. It’s only a few minutes journey but I may kill her if she doesn’t sit still.

The Mighty Queertet has been cut in half to celebrate both girls’ hen night. Fulton and I are taking the Purple Peril out, and Adam and Portman are getting the sane one drunk. We all have cell phones just in case one of the lesbians gets out of hand.

Technically they’re not getting married tomorrow, they’re getting blessed. But the exchange of rings is a big occasion for all of us. I’m her best man. I even get to give her away since her Dad wants no part of the event.

I’ve often joked over the past few months that I’d be happy to give her away and never get her back, but she knows what I mean. I’m thrilled that I got to be so important to her.

She stops bouncing. Praise the lord.

She crosses her legs and starts jigging her foot instead.

Thank god we’re almost there.

“Taryn Anne McDonald if you don’t stop that right now I’m throwing you out of the window!” I tell her sternly.

“Charles Joseph Conway, do that and I’ll remove your manly parts!” She grins back.

Fulton turns to the driver. “After these two get out, you can take me home.”

The driver laughs. We’ve got the only friendly guy in the entire state. Or maybe it was Taz’s influence. She bounded up to him, shook his hand and started singing I’m getting married in the morning, ding dong the bells are gonna chime!

Ten years since I first met her and nothing has changed.

Although if you wondering about it, the veil she’s wearing complete with ‘L’ plates was my idea.

You be around Taz McDonald for ten years and stay sane.

“We’re here!” She announces loudly. “Yay! Tequila, here I come!”

Fulton and I exchange glances. This is going to be good.

We’ve been here two hours and Taz has downed more tequila than Terrorvision. It’s horrifying. And highly amusing.

She’s surrounded by people, talking at high speed and only I know what she’s on about. She’s the only person who hasn’t noticed that she’s talking Gaelic. I understand every word, ten years of practice and I’m fluent, not only in cusses, but the entire language!

I tap her on the shoulder and she tries to make her friends move down the booth to make room for Fulton and I. They’re rather obliging since Fulton is carrying a tray of tequila.

There’s only room for one more, so I drag Taz off the bench, push Fulton down and take a seat myself.

She glares, tries to hit me but falls over instead and starts cursing me in Irish again. I scoop her up off the floor and she sits on my lap.

“I wanna call Maya,” she says, only it comes out “I won call May”.

“No,” I say firmly. She’ll only regret it in the morning. She’ll probably serenade Maya with a really sappy song, which will induce months of taunting from us. As her best friend, I have to make one token protest before letting her do what she wants.

“Please!” She bounces.

“Alright, stop bouncing, you’re making me seasick!” I tell her, quickly handing over my cell phone.

She grins and takes the phone from me. She dials and grins even bigger. “It’s ringing.”

I grin at Fulton. “It’s ringing.”

Fulton grins back. “It’s ringing. Wow. Phones don’t usually do that.”

“Yes they do.” Sarcasm is lost on a toasted Taz.

Her eyes light up. “LOVE YOU!!!” She yells loudly, then makes kissy noises down the phone.

I let her carry on for a while then pry the phone from her. It only takes a few minutes and several threats of no more tequila and lots of tickling to get it back from her.

I put it to my ear to see if anyone’s still listening, and can hear distinctly male laughter. “Hello, Portman.”

“Hey, Charlie boy, you love me too?” he asks through his laughter.

“Sure I do.” I grin. I bet Adam’s glaring at him for that question. “Did she even talk to Maya?”

“Nope. She didn’t pause for breath long enough to ask for Maya, so I just listened to her,” he replies. “So, has she wrecked my bar yet?”

Taz leans forward to look at something that’s caught her eye. Before I can grab her she slides off my knee and lands face down on the floor. I pass the phone to Fulton and pick her up.

“You ok, Tazzie?” I ask her.

“Thought I saw a butterfly,” she tells me.

I nod. Sometimes it’s easier to humor her.

“HUG!” She suddenly yells.

Uh-oh. This is the tell-tale sign of a drunken Taz. She’ll demand a hug from anyone in a ten-mile radius, and woe betide anyone that declines.

“Hug,” I agree.

“I wanna hug everyone!”

I find out later that Taz’s determination is unsurpassed.

Not one single person in the bar declined a hug from her.

I walk with Fulton, desperately looking for a cab. Taz is zonked on my back. It occurs to me that I piggy-back her a lot. Maybe it’s because she’s so little.

“Charles…” she says sleepily.

“Yeah?”

“Nothin’.”

“Ok.”

She slumps and I think she’s passed out again.

“I told you she wasn’t that bad,” I say to Fulton.

“She’s still a lunatic. You deserve a medal for putting up with her as much as you do.” He grins, his words though gruff are tinged with affection.

“I have no choice in the matter. She adores my parents too, we’re thinking of getting an anti-stalking injunction out on her,” I joke.

“A Conway fixation. How tragic.” He replies.

“Futon.” A slurred Irish voice mutters over my head.

Fulton rolls his eyes, she’s been calling him Futon all night, he’s given up correcting her. “Yes, Taz?” He tried calling her Taryn earlier, but the reaction was so volatile that he’s never going to do it again.

She scrambles around on my back until she’s leaning on him too, if he moves she’ll fall on her face. I hope he doesn’t realize this, or if he does, that he remembers she’s getting married tomorrow and that I’m in charge of bringing her home in one piece. Maya has threatened me with death if Taz is less than picture perfect for the wedding.

“In an alternate universe, I’d be out with Maya getting drunk and I’d be marrying him tomorrow instead.” She pokes me in the neck to indicate me.

The same thought has crossed my mind too. I think in a parallel universe I’d be happy with her.

“Fulton, can you push her back onto my back again?” I ask him. “If I break her I can’t get a replacement before tomorrow.”

He grabs her and resets her so she’s less likely to fall.

“I think you two would make an adorable couple.” He grins.

“Me too,” she agrees, then passes out once more.