Looking for a Saviour

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Another series of short fics, set in series six, but with liberties taken. Co-written by Rach.

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Status: Complete. Each story is complete, although the series could go on forever—however, we only did three stories, and the third doesn’t really offer any closure. Rach and I kinda lost touch after this, so it didn’t progress past there. Co-written by Rach.

Notes: I asked Rach for some lyrics so I could write a short song fic to break my writers block, she happily complied… after I threatened her for a couple of hours. (just kidding)

Inspirational Lyrics by Rach:

Fall Into The Dark

They’re reaching out to touch me
I can feel them on my skin
Breaking through the surface,
Trying to get in

I scream from my very core
But I don’t make any sound,
I’m looking for a saviour
But she’s nowhere to be found

So I lie down and surrender
I just give in to the pain
And now there’s utter silence
Total darkness once again

Give in to the Pain by Star

God only knows why I’ve come back here. This frigging apartment signifies exactly when my life started going wrong. It reminds me of all the mistakes I’ve ever made.

The glass is still broken from the big fight. The Slayer versus Slayer death match. Neither of us won. We both died a little that night.

I don’t think anyone’s been here since then. Well, aside from the cops. You’d have thought someone would have looted the place but all the expensive stuff the Mayor bought is still her.

Playstation, stereo, TV, VCR, you name it, it’s still sitting her. There’s a thick coating of dust on everything.

I switch on the stereo for company. Company. That’s a joke. I’ve never been so alone in my life.

There’s nowhere left to hide
They know where I am
I need to keep running
But I don’t think I can.

I don’t have anything in this world any more.

I just wish the emptiness would stop. It’s all I can do to stop myself from crying. I called Angel to ask what to do. He didn’t know. He told me to look on the bright side. I was alive after all, it could be worse. Maybe I could try counselling?

Counselling? And tell them what? I’m the Chosen One, destined to save the world from all things nasty, but I seem to have lost my interest? That I don’t think I’m suited to this vocation?

There’s no one else to turn to
Nobody’s on my side
Frightened by the demons
I thought I’d locked inside.

Strangely, I sit here waiting for her.

She knows what it’s like to be called to live the type of life we live. She made mistakes, but who doesn’t? She never once faltered. She saw the big picture.

They’re reaching out to touch me
I can feel them on my skin
Breaking through the surface
Trying to get in.

My mind won’t stop turning over recent events. And those not so recent. I had to grow up too fast. It could have been worse. I keep telling myself that.

It could be worse.

It’s my mantra. But it doesn’t work. I just want it to be over.

I scream from my very core
But I don’t make any sound
I’m looking for a saviour
But she’s nowhere to be found.

She’s close, I can sense her. I always could. I wonder if she ever comes here and thinks about what happened. I doubt it.

She’s better off without me. The whole world is. There should only be one Slayer. All I care about now, is that it won’t be me.

I used to care about other people. I cared about her a lot more than I ever let on.

Maybe it was because we never got close that I can’t forget her.

I look at the clock. I’ve been here three hours now.

Three hours.

Sitting on the floor amid the glass from our big fight

Three hours and nothing has changed.

I just don’t care. I can’t do this any more.

I reach into my bag. The knife is sharp. It’s the same knife that I last used in this apartment. It seems fitting that I should use it to end my life.

So I lie down and surrender
I just give in to the pain
And now there’s utter silence
Total Darkness once again.

The blood flows freely from my wrists. People will be disappointed in me but I don’t care. I don’t care about anything any more. Nothing matters.

I just hope they won’t bring me back again. I don’t care if suicide will send me to hell. I don’t. Hell can’t be much worse than life. I’ve been to heaven. I had my time there. But they brought me back.

I’d hate them for it, but I just don’t care.

Nothing matters.

“Jesus B! What the fuck are you doing?”

I didn’t hear her arrive.

She hurries over to me, shrugging out of her shirt use it to staunch the flow of blood.

“B, talk to me!” She orders, her face twisted with worry. “I don’t care what you say, but talk.”

“I don’t care,” I tell her. I feel tired. Maybe a nap would be nice.

“B, open your fucking eyes and keep talking!” She rips the arm off her shirt and ties it tightly around my wrist.

Should that hurt? I feel kind of numb. Numb. I always feel that.

“Talk to me!” She slaps my face.

“Ow.”

“Keep talking,” she urges. “I’m going to use the phone and you’re going to talk to me the entire time. If you don’t, I’ll slap you again.”

I want to rub my face where she hit me but she’s holding my wrists. Why is she saving me?

“Talk goddamnit!” she screams.

“Why are you saving me?” I ask sluggishly. I’m really tired. Can’t this wait?

She gets up, her eyes never leaving mine. “I love you,” she says simply. “React to that. I don’t care what your answer is, just talk.”

She loves me. She’s saving my life because she loves me. Amazing.

“Talk!”

“I don’t feel anything,” I say, my eyes close. I snap them open as I realise something. I’m scared. I don’t want to die. “I’m all numb,” I tell her.

“Probably the blood loss.”

“No, I can’t feel stuff.” My eyes close again. “I don’t care about anything.”

Must open my eyes.

Can’t.

CRACK!

“Sorry, B. That hurt me more than you.” She takes my wrists again and holds them above my head. “The ambulance is on its way.”

She’s gonna ask me to talk again. I’m gonna beat her to it. “I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“I thought I wanted to die,” I tell her. “I didn’t want to live.”

“But now you do?”

“You saved me.” I smile at her. She’s blurry. I’m so tired. Just a little nap and then we can continue this.

So I lie down and surrender
I just give in to the pain
And now there’s utter silence
Total Darkness once again.

“B, open your eyes.” She lets go of my wrists, and starts slapping my face. It tingles, but I’m really tired.

“I love you too,” I say.

And now there’s utter silence
Total Darkness once again.

Fall in to the Dark by Rach

There is so much noise around me that I don’t hear any of it, it just merges together into one deafening drone. A woman is asking me my name, asking me what happened, but it sounds so distant, like someone calling to me through thick October fog. My head is swimming and I can feel the bile crawling up my throat.

Then I see her, standing over me. She looks like an angel under the powerful white halogens that light the ambulance. She’s holding my hand. I can’t feel it but I know she is. Tears are streaming down her face, streaking that perfect alabaster skin. She’s caked in my blood and her clothes have been torn up to nurse my self-inflicted gashes.

She’s so beautiful. So very beautiful. So beautiful.

She squeezes my hand. I felt it that time. She won’t let me fall asleep. I need to rest. Just a little sleep and I’ll be fine. Why won’t she let me sleep? I know she wants me to try, but I don’t think I can. I feel so empty that I think I might cave in. My eyelids are so heavy and my eyes are dry. I let them drift shut and block out the brightness in favour of the comforting cloak of blackness.

I wanna fall into the dark
Let it flow and cover me
I want to lose everlasting hope
Because it’s hope that’s killing me

The darkness is bliss. A glorious sense of peace is seeping through me. I feel as heavy as lead but also that I’m floating, drifting somewhere. There’s a warmth all over my body, darting over my skin like the mid-summer sun beating down onto bare flesh. I become aware of a soft white light in the distance and realise that I’m being drawn rapidly towards it. I feel no fear though, only relief and anticipation. This is heaven. Just how I remember it. I’m going home.

Suddenly, my blissful haze is broken and I feel a hand on my shoulder, halting my assent.

I just wanna fall into the dark
I want to fall and rest in peace
I wanna fall, fall away
But you keep pulling me to my feet

“Don’t give up on me. Please. I need you Buffy, don’t leave me.” It was like one of those voices you hear when you’re half asleep, loud and frightening. Then once they’re gone you’re not sure if you heard it at all. It was just like that except I recognised the voice. Faith. I remember back in the apartment, she said she loved me. Now she saying she needs me.

“Don’t give up, B.”

I look over my shoulder at the light, so warm and inviting. I want so badly just to rest like I did before. But I know I can’t, not without her. I look to the light and smile. It will be waiting for me when my time comes.

“This is not my time,” I whisper, as I force my eyes open.

Leave Me Null and Void

“May I speak to Re—uh, Willow?” I ask, trying to remember my manners.

“Speaking. Who’s this?”

“It’s Faith.” I can feel her frown down the phone. “Don’t hang up! B’s in hospital.”

“What did you do to her?” she demands angrily.

“Nothing. Just get here.” I hang up. I don’t have time to listen to her hate me. It’s all still inside my head from last time.

I start to pace. They told me I can’t go in there while there sewing her back up. It’s not fair. I have to be there. She wants to give up. She keeps coming back then giving up. I should be there. Holding her hand and telling her to live.

I start cursing under my breath. I should be with her.

I pace a little faster.

I feel like I’m coming unravelled.

I need to do something.

But there’s nothing to do.

“Miss Winter?”

I nearly launch into outer space at hearing my name. My nerves are so highly strung I could pluck them and make them twang.

“How is she?” I ask.

What he says makes my blood run cold.

“Why don’t we take a seat in the family room?”

I freeze. I don’t just stand still. Everything freezes inside of me. My blood stops pumping, my organs stop working, my lungs stop heaving.

You don’t take someone to a private room to tell them that their friend is fine.

You don’t.

You take them to a private room to tell them that their friend is dead.

“Miss Winter, come with me please.”

He takes my arm, my body permits this and obediently follows him.

My mind is still fixated on the empty look in B’s eyes when I found her.

We take a seat in the small private waiting room.

My head starts to swim and I suddenly remember to breath.

“Your…” he tails off, expecting me to fill in the gap. The only word that springs to mind is everything.

He clears his throat and starts again. “Miss Summers has lost a lot of blood.”

“But she’ll be ok, right?” I ask. She has to be. I can’t lose her again. It’s my fault she died the first time around. If I hadn’t gone crazy then we would have fought the hell-god together. I could have died instead of her.

It’s my fault.

He smiles at me reassuringly.

It doesn’t work.

“If it wasn’t for you she wouldn’t have made it this far,” he tells me.

If it wasn’t for me she wouldn’t be carving up her wrists in the first place.

I get it. He won’t make me any promises.

I’m barely aware of him leaving.

Why, B? Why? This was supposed to be me. I should have done this, not you. You’re the one. I remember what it was like to be you. People love you, and you deserve it.

She said she loved me.

She was woozy.

She probably thought I was someone else.

A million thoughts churn around in my brain, none of them worth thinking.

“What the fuck did you do to her?”

I look up and see Red standing in the doorway. Behind her is her girlfriend—Tara I think her name is—and Xander.

Her eyes are black. That’s not right.

“What did you do to her?” she demands again.

“I…” You know what I did. I caused this. If I had…

Holy fuck.

A bolt of energy hits my stomach and sends me crashing into a wall.

Before I can even get up, another one grabs me and flings me face first into the other wall.

I see stars, and am dimly aware of Willow’s girlfriend telling her to calm down.

“You bitch!”

I taste blood on my lips. I get thrown against the wall again.

This time I don’t feel like even trying to get up.

Let her do what she wants. If B doesn’t pull through, maybe I can get Red to kill me too.

I hate myself for thinking that thought.

I wipe my face, waiting for the next hit.

It doesn’t come.

When I look up, I see Tara standing in front of me. “No more,” she says softly. “You’re hurting her.”

“Good! She deserves it. It’s all her fault. Whatever she did to Buffy she’s getting back!” Willow promises.

I get to my knees, but can’t seem to manage getting to my feet. I decide to lean back against the wall. I’ll get up when the doctor tells me I can visit B.

I wipe my face again and realise my nose is bleeding. I don’t seem to have any clothes left without blood on them. I swipe at my nose with my forearm.

Tara turns to me and hands me a tissue from her bag.

“Thanks.” Not just for the tissue.

She meets my eyes. “It’s ok.” She understands.

Willow sighs impatiently. “What did you do to her?”

My head hurts too much to speak. I don’t know why B slit her wrists. Why tell only half the story? And besides, B went to the apartment. She wanted to be alone. She didn’t want them to know what she was doing.

“Miss Winter, are you ok? I heard a crash.” I look up to check the source of this new voice. It’s the doctor I was talking to earlier. Dr No Guarantees.

“I fell,” I reply.

“Miss Summers is awake, she’s asking for you.” He look closely at my face. “Perhaps we should clean you up a little first.”

Willow turns to face him. “Doctor, you don’t understand, you can’t let her see Buffy, she’s the one who…”

B’s awake. And she wants to see me.

How did this happen?

Red’s still babbling to the doctor.

I wipe my face again, and wince. My left eye is half closed and my cheekbones feel like they’ve snapped in half. I need another tissue. Too much blood coming from my nose.

“Willow, shut up.”

I didn’t say that. I was thinking it, but I didn’t say it.

I follow Red’s glare.

Uh-oh.

Tara said it.