The Secret Diaries of The Lost Boys

Sarcastic Diary entries for the vampires in the film. Do not expect this to be intelligent or angsty. This are superficial parodies. Fun and no brains. Inspired by Cassandra Claire’s LotR Very Secret Diaries.
Category: The Lost Boys
Rating: Teen
Characters: David, Dwayne, Laddie, Marko, Max, Paul, Star
Genre: Comedy/Parody, Humour
Pairing(s): Michael/Star
Status: Complete


Star

Day 1

Am beginning to think that David is not nice. Aside from making me drink blood he told me that curly hair would suit me far more than straight and proceeded to electrocute me.

Hrmm.

Hope big hair is in at the moment.


Day 2

David definitely not nice. He has changed his mind about my hair but we can’t seem to reverse the effect.

He has now broken up with me.

On the plus side, has given me a silent seven year old for company.

Again, hrmm.

Damn! Hair on fire. Damn. Knew that all that hairspray was not a good idea.


Day 3

It’s official. Big hair is in. Went to the Boardwalk with David and the Lost Boys and made eyes at a guy who has the same hairstyle as me, come to think of it, so has Marko – same hairstyle, that is, not making eyes at big haired boy. Hope Marko wasn’t making eyes at him. Am far prettier. And I have same color hair.

It’s fate.

And perfect timing. V. bored with only silent seven year old to talk to.


Day 4

Am beginning to think David has an obsession with curly hair. On seeing Michael he has decided to initiate him into the gang. Have mixed feelings about this. Have suggested we get a redhead for variety. Paul seconded the motion, but there were no other takers.


Day 5

Michael (he of big hair) v. pissed off about the vampire thing. Managed to calm him down with a bit of nooky. V. annoyed, just want casual fling with similar-haired boy (v. useful for hair care tips), and he wants to talk vampires.

Sulk.


Day 6

Had big fat fight with David about hair. He made several nasty comments. Insinuated a bigger cave would be needed if my hair got any frizzier. Told him he was just jealous of my hair. In 10 years he would look back on his mullet cut and cringe.

David pointed out that as a vampire there would be no photographic evidence of mullet cut.

Pout.

Went for a quick fly around Santa Carla. Dropped by Michael’s brother’s bedroom window. Michael’s brother not down with vamps either. Still pissed off with David, so arranged to have him killed.

That will teach him for doling out hair advice.


Day 7

Michael beyond pissed off about vampire thing. Have now been taken out of cave (thank god, salty air making hair frizz) and am at Michael’s house. Am planning on a nice long snooze while Michael, his brother and the two stoic twits kill the boys.


Later

Ok, so snooze didn’t go as planned. Gory death to all Lost Boys and v. ugly head vampire.

Hair is still curly. Evil never dies.

In other news: Stoic seven year old spoke for first time. Said my name twice.

All in all, eventful day.


David

Day 1

Am sulking. Been to visit Max. Still no sign of “The Sound of Music”. Have had it on order for ages.

Bored. Have insulted Star several times, but is no fun anymore. Wonder if she would let me electrocute her.

Will have to come up with reason why.


Later

Star did let me electrocute her. Has had terrible effect on hair. Hair is so large that cave is in permanent shadow no matter where she stands.

Have asked Marko to give her advice on de-frizzing.


Day 2

Hate Star’s hair. Is simply enormous. Have told her so. Love being evil.

Finally have reason to break up with Star. Gave her stoic seven year old to soften blow. Star now baffled. As is everyone else. Do not know what possessed me. Hate giving gifts.

Must go, Star’s hair has caught fire on one of the many candles. Must go and do famous evil chuckle.


Day 3

Star sulking in one side of cave. Marko has told her to use mousse instead of hairspray to tame dead animal on head so that she is not so flammable, but she is in a mood and doesn’t want to listen to him. She accused him of dying his hair.

Marko sulking on other side of cave, keeps muttering ‘I was only trying to help’ and ‘I am a natural blonde’ in hurt tones.

Have told them I will sacrifice the next person to mention hair care products to Beelzebub just for sake of it.

Paul and Dwayne have volunteered to be sacrificed.

Atmosphere in cave unbearable.

Finally went out, visited Max’s video store. They still don’t have “The Sound of Music”. Heathens.

Boys rather taken by Maria behind counter. Have told them firmly no. She also has curly hair.


Day 4

Star has stopped pouting. Has found a guy with same hair as her. Suggested he join the gang. Star, obviously still huffy, suggested we initiate a redhead for variety. Paul quickly agreed and suggested Cyndi Lauper.

Sent him out of cave to ponder his actions.

Will be allowed back in when he remembers that he’s evil, not the devil himself. Cyndi Lauper not an option as is quite obviously already a minion of the anti-Christ.

Paul pointed out that it’s day. Have let him off this once.


Later

Challenged Michael to race over Star. Considered letting him win just to get rid of her, but Boss nixed that plan. On plus side, coat v. flappy when racing. Felt v. manly and dangerous.


Day 5

Michael a half-vamp. Think Star is sleeping with him. Hope she doesn’t get pregnant, child’s hair alone would weight 9lbs.

Boss pleased. Boss also humming daft love songs. Worried about boss.

Asked when copy of “The Sound of Music” would be in, was told it was on order. 6-8 weeks.

Come to think of it, convinced he told me that a couple of months ago.

Is no other alternative. Must go to rival video store.


Day 6

Went to rival store. “The Sound of Music” was rented that day.

Sulk.

Told girl behind the counter I will kill everyone in that shop if it is not back tomorrow by 6pm. She told me that they don’t take their returns policy that seriously. Told her that she should. It’s the principal of the thing.

Considered turning her, she has straight hair. Will do if she does not have “The Sound of Music” tomorrow.

Went back to cave and insulted Star. Star very huffy and insulted me back.

Will have to kill her. Can neither deal with hair or attitude.

In other news, stoic seven year old may have spoken. Marko convinced he spoke, Paul equally convinced it was a sneeze. Star too huffy to comment. Dwayne refuses to take sides.

Come to think of it, he’s not much of a talker either.


Later

Marko dead. Have his remains all over my boots. Am deeply pissed off. Will kill Star – these are designer.


Day 7

Killed by antlers.

Damn.

This rather ruins my plans of watching “The Sound of Music” tonight. (Rival store came through! Take that boss!)


Max

Day 1

Rather bored. All very well being head honcho of evilness in small town, but have no-one to talk to – Thorn rather monosyllabic, all he does is growl, and David too intent on watching “The Sound of Music” to be much of a conversationalist.

Wonder why David has new obsession.

Possibly someone he ate?


Day 2

Waiting for Vampire Weekly to arrive, damn paperboys, they keep going out in the sunlight and being incinerated. V. tiresome. Vampire Weekly always late.

Read Cosmo instead. Says that grey is the new black. Must buy some grey. Also says pencil skirts are way out. Excellent, I have horrific legs.

Have read Woman’s Weekly too. Many horror stories about men not dating women who already have children by other men. This is untapped territory. May be able to get date with (broken) family type woman? All single women turned off by fangs. Perhaps jaded woman would be able to learn to love me for me?


Day 3

Once more hounded by David for “The Sound of Music”. Have officially banned him and the boys several times, but still they come back. If this continues will put crosses over doors… Thus trapping self inside store. Not a perfect plan, will think it over for awhile.

In other news: Have met lovely lady called Lucy. Offered her job. Wasn’t too keen. Bribed her with free videos, she caved.

She too enquired about “The Sound of Music”.

Have finally ordered it. Maybe that will shut David up.


Day 4

Saw boys zoom past on motorbikes. Dear gods, what has happened to Star? Hair is simply enormous! And following was boy with similar hair, did not realize Lucy’s son had such big hair. Hope they don’t breed.


Day 5

Have date! V. happy. V. nervous too. David came in to bother me about “The Sound of Music” again. Have shown him receipt, proving it is on order. He went away, muttering something about taking his business elsewhere.

Honestly! I give him rentals at half price. Ungrateful wretch.

However, back to date. V. nervous. Back issues of Woman’s Weekly came in today. Have prepared ‘family man’ type speech to use. Hope it works. Haven’t had any since Henry VIII was marrying left, right and center.


Later

Would sulk, but too tired. Lucy vanished at speed of light after hearing phone call from her sons. This is where being a ‘family guy’ gets you. Dateless with only a Hound of Hell for company on a Friday night.


Day 6

Yay! Another date with Lucy. Have re-read every single copy of Woman’s Weekly. There were no tips on ‘What to do if your Hound of Hell attacks your date while you’re sleeping’ but I think a bottle of wine and an apology would be a good start.

Hrmm. Is that David going into the rival video store? Sneaky little rat. The damn video is on order, what more can I do?

Ha ha! He’s just left empty-handed. That’ll teach him for going to the opposition.

Right. Must go prepare for date.


Later

Another disastrous date.

Note to self: Have David kill youngest Emerson boy. And stoic twits too.


Day 7

Impaled by fence post.

All things considered, ‘family guy’ not the best tactic to get a date.


Marko

Day 1

David in snotty mood. Still having problems getting the uncut version of “The Exorcist” from Max. Minor amusement had by electrocuting Star. Is there nothing she won’t do for David?

All things have repercussions. Electrocution was funny, but now Star’s hair is huge and she’s stolen my hair products. Am sulking. Have asked David to tell her to give them back but David says that must learn to fight own battles.

Hate Star.


Day 2

Still don’t have hairspray back. Glad I stored the mousse away in back of cave.

David and Star broken up. Star huffy, and baffled by gift of stoic seven year old. Am also baffled.

Have asked Paul why David would give Star anything but a quick stake through the heart but Paul also confused. Dwayne not talking to any of us because of discussion of hair taking over usual conversations.

Smug git. Just because he doesn’t have to use mousse and hairspray he expects us to all be so effortlessly adorable.

Hate Dwayne.


Later

There is a god! (Note to self: Must not say that aloud, David will get cross). Star’s hair caught fire. Maybe I don’t want hairspray back if it’s as flammable as that.


Day 3

Hate everyone in cave. Tried to lend Star my mousse (having mixed it with lighter fluid first) but Star still in a snit about flammable hair, thinks I left hairspray out deliberately. No, just wish I had. Accused me of dying my hair.

Bitch.

I am a natural blonde.

And I’m naturally curly, which is more than I can say for her.

David has vetoed all hair conversations, with threats of sacrifice to Beelzebub. Didn’t work, Paul and Dwayne volunteered.

David in far snottier mood after visiting Max. Still don’t have “The Exorcist” uncut version, not sure why Max called it “The Sound of Music” – maybe they have to talk in code about banned films? Anyhoo, we liked Maria who works there, but David still pissed about his video and said no blaming her hair.


Day 4

Star still in mood. Have asked if we can just stake her, but have been told no. Hate David and his stupid rules.

David wants to bring a new member to gang. Refrained from pointing out this is not a wise move. Star is not exactly a big hit, is she? To prove this point she said we should initiate a redhead. Paul quickly agreed saying Cyndi Lauper would be a good choice. Does the boy have no brains? It’s too late. Has he seen the way she scrunches her mouth on the “Good Love” video? Ms. Lauper quite obviously under influence of dark power already.

David knew this and told Paul to leave cave and not come back until he was thinking rationally again. Paul said it was day. David let him off.

Spoilsport.


Later

Oh good. Another big haired nonce is part of the gang. Kept hoping when we were dangling off the bridge that David had given him wine instead of blood by mistake.

Would be highly entertaining to see Michael resemble a splat of strawberry jam.


Day 5

Watched rather amusing fight between David and Star re: hair. Both v. pissed off. Both insulted each other. Star flounced off.

David then spent the next two hours asking us if we liked his hair. V. tiresome. Kept having to lie and tell him yes. Getting v. annoyed with David, him and Star bad as each other, and both have terrible hair.

Stuck gum in Dwayne’s hair as way of relief. Cannot attack David directly as might be killed, so had to annoy Dwayne instead. Am sick of his Herbal Essence Advert hair. He makes no effort with it, I spend four hours a day combing frizz-ease through mine.

Went out and killed several people with perfect hair. Ha!


Day 6

David in snotty mood again. Tried to cheer him up by telling him that Paul has had the uncut version of “The Exorcist” all along, but he just flounced off saying it wasn’t the same and he wanted the copy from the rental store.

Sigh.

In other news: Am convinced stoic child spoke. Paul is convinced he sneezed. Argument quickly became a fight. Star bounced up and down yelling “Kill him!” encouragingly, but not entirely sure who it was directed at.

Fight ended when Dwayne picked us up by hair. Still hate Dwayne. Am annoyed now. Have cave dust in hair and all over jacket.

Paul and I are plotting to bleach his hair while he sleeps.


Later

Staked by annoying children. Managed to ooze all over David’s boots before dying so not entirely a wasted exercise.


Paul

Day 1

Am getting feeling that Star and David will break up soon.

Big hint was when he electrocuted her. Marko v. annoyed, thinks Star might have better hair than him.


Day 2

Set Star’s hair on fire in a moment of boredom.

Star blames Marko. Star and Marko have gone head to head.

David broken up with Star. Stoic seven year old in cave.

Wish I belonged to another clan. This one v. boring.

In moment of boredom have found a spider. Have called him Sigmund. Am teaching him to be Hound of Hell. Hounds of Hell v. useful, not only do they scare people, but they fetch the paper too.


Day 3

Sigmund not responding well to Hound of Hell training. Paper is too big to fetch. Dwayne unimpressed by Sigmund. Told him that one day people will all want a spider as Hound of Hell. Dwayne rolled eyes and walked away muttering darkly.

On a more positive note: Sigmund spun web in Star’s hair.

V. proud of Sigmund.


Day 4

Sigmund missing. Am distraught. Made random comment about initiating Cyndi Lauper into gang and annoyed everyone.

Don’t care, miss Sigmund.


Later

Michael has joined gang. Don’t like him. No-one can replace Sigmund.


Day 5

Sigmund still missing.

David deeply hurt by Star’s accusations that his hairstyle will not age well.

Cannot help but agree with Star.

Marko stuck gum in Dwayne’s hair. Marko thinks Dwayne did not notice. Which is true. However, am missing Sigmund v. much, so told Dwayne in moment of spite.

Dwayne has hired children to kill Marko.

Somehow think it was unwise move to tell Dwayne.


Day 6

Fight with Marko. Sigmund squashed in fight. Am too heartbroken to write.


Later

Marko dead.

Karma rules.


Day 7

V. dead.

Hope to see Sigmund soon.


Dwayne

Day 1

David electrocuted Star. V. funny. Almost felt expression coming on but managed to fight it off.


Day 2

Hate everyone in cave. Have all gone bonkers since Star got here, cannot cope.

David huffy over film (thinks he’s so clever, I know it’s “The Sound of Music” he really wants to rent), Marko and Star at war over hair. Paul set her hair on fire, flames pretty but bad smell in cave now. Wonder if we will die?

David given Star breaking up gift of small child. Wonder if this is custom among vampires? Must read up on it. Like small child, never speaks. Wish I could teach others to be as quiet.


Day 3

Did not die. Star’s hair still huge despite most of it falling out. Cave littered with charred curls. V. disgusting.

Paul adopted spider to be Hound of Hell. Have told him that Arachnid of Hell would be more apt but he got in a snit and flounced off to teach it to play dead.


Later

Star has met a guy with hair as stupid as hers. Am v. glad. Hopefully she will leave and have strange afro-haired baby vamps with him.

Liked girl behind counter in Max’s video store, but David v. huffy and wouldn’t let us talk to her. Cannot find his film, showed him they have “The Sound of Muesli”, parody about singing nuns and breakfast but David v. unimpressed.


Day 4

Have stolen Paul’s Arachnid of Hell. V. amusing watching him ransack cave in attempt to find spider.

Michael (he of silly hair) has joined the group. Not v. keen if you ask me. Understandable, cave v. small with Star’s hair in it.


Day 5

Will stake self if hair conversations continue. Have whittled self stake just in case.

Have taught Paul’s spider to do can-can. V. impressive seeing all 8 legs bounce.


Later

Going to kill Marko. Stuck gum in my hair. V. annoyed. Have stolen his money and used it to hire a couple of boys to kill him.


Day 6

Fighting to keep straight face. Accidentally stood on Paul’s spider today, (RIP Sigmund, aka Arachnid of Hell), luckily fight broke out between Paul and Marko over whether small child spoke. (Yes, he did, he sneezed, then said ‘excuse me’), so placed spider’s body on floor where M and P fighting.

Broke up fight, Paul saw spider, burst into tears. V. amusing. (On plus note, Paul given me $40 towards ‘Let’s Kill Marko’ fund – yay, have made profit on this now!)


Later

Color me stunned, idiotic boys managed to kill Marko.

Used $40 from Paul to rent out every copy of “The Sound of Music” in Santa Carla just to annoy David.

V. proud of self. Yes.


Day 7

Dead.

Oh well, was bored anyway.


Laddie

Day 1

Am doing sponsored silence for school. Parents sponsored me $10 per day. Wonder how long I’ll last.


Day 2

Kidnapped by odd guy with mullet cut. Would love to tell him that haircut will not age well but still consider myself on sponsored silence.

Given to girl with terrifying hair.

Wonder if parents rigged this up to get me to talk? Tight bastards.


Day 3

Have not caved yet.

Big haired girl’s hair on fire. Will not laugh. Will not make a sound.

In other news: Was force-fed blood. Tasted yummy.


Day 4

Still not speaking. Yay me. Have earned $40 so far.


Day 5

Dwayne, (other token silent of cave) showed me a spider that can do the can-can today.

V. impressed, but still did not speak.

Was forced to pick gum out of Dwayne’s hair. Hate everyone, but blame Star (everyone else does).

Still did not speak. ($50)


Day 6

Sneezed and excused myself.

Wonder if this counts as speaking?


Day 7

Was ‘saved’ today. Didn’t want to be. Quite liked it in cave.

Boys all dead. Star still has big hair and boyfriend with same.

Accidentally spoke. Was trying to tell Star off for killing everyone. Said her name twice then remembered was on sponsored silence.

Sigh.

Am now going home to claim $70 off parents.

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