Thoughts on Halloween (2007)

Oooh, quote. That’s deep, maaaaan.
Good song. I guess with Rob Zombie at the helm, that much is guaranteed.

Uh, so the Myers are not a middle-class family then?
“Skull-fuck the shit out of you”?
Thank Christ these people are about to be murdered.
Can you flush a rat? Really?

I know we’re supposed to cheer on the serial killer in a “fun” way, but seriously, I can’t wait for him to start killing.
It will be for the greater good.

LINDERMAN.
With cool hair.
Speaking of hair, Michael has better hair than me. *le sigh tragique*

Nasty bully is about to bite it.
Dude, you just got trounced by an eight year old.
Shouting “You’re fucking dead” to the kid smashing your face in with a big fucking log really isn’t gonna help.
Go, Michael! He had it coming. You’re doing the world a favour.

Kill your father, you’ll feel better.

Judith’s boyfriend: the only person to get through a scene without swearing.
He has long hair. I like him.
He’s clearly going to die.

Oooh, I like this version of “Love Hurts”.
Can’t we just watch Mrs Zombie pole dance for the rest of the movie?

BOOBS!
Ok, boyfriend is wearing the mask. How spooky and foreshadowy. Oooooh. </sarcasm>

Michael has a knife and duct tape. Things are about to get splattery.
Gross! Did not need to see that.
But yay! Evil dad is dead.

Boyfriend’s about to bite it. Yep.
Can you really do that with an aluminium bat?
Huh. Guess so.

“Don’t Fear The Reaper” is playing.
I get it. Irony and all that.
You see, it’s just a song to her, and she’s about to die.
Do you get it? It works on a number of levels.
Muchas cleverness.
Dead Judith.
Cool.

Mrs Zombie is no longer pole dancing.
I am sad.

Wow, Mrs Zombie seems really upset.
Guess she loved those obnoxious gits who made up her family.
Very cool freeze-frame effect, except for Michael who moves.
Looks trés cool.
Even if it breaks the fourth wall.

Blah, blah, blah, exposition via news reporter.

LINDERMAN!
Quite like this back-story on Michael.
Wrong, but interesting.
Michael remembers nothing of the killings.
Exposition via Linderman’s report.

Bonding with a janitor.
Or at least, Janitor encourages Michael to retreat into a fantasy world, while Michael scowls at him.

Blah, blah, blah, masks.
Exposition about how Michael has retreated into fantasy world behind the mask.
Michael has a screaming melt down.
Linderman is awesome.
It should be noted that Linderman is actually Dr Loomis, but since Donald Pleasance is the only Loomis, he must remain Linderman.

Michael has stopped talking.
Linderman feels a failure.
GET ON WITH THE KILLING.

Plot device so that someone can be murdered.
Why give a lunatic a metal fork?
That’s just asking for trouble.
Clever no-name nurse, turn your back on the killer.
Bwahahahaha.

Mrs Zombie, RIP.
Hope someone finds the baby.

Grown-up Michael.
He still has better hair than me.
Two idiots play good jailer/bad jailer.
Yes, skinny guy, threaten the nine-feet-tall-built-like-a-brick-shithouse serial killer.

Linderman quits.
Linderman/Michael = OTP (or at least BFF)

More justified killing. Please get on with the murder of the redneck rapists.
Yes, rape the girl in Michael’s cell. That’ll go well.
Ten minutes of screaming, and now he notices.
Kill! Kill! Kill!

Nice janitor shows up.
Michael had better kill him.
Otherwise that’s just weak.
Death by drowning, then TV.
Ok.

“Tom Sawyer” – that’s on Guitar Hero.
Swearing, people, bring on the death.
Porn. Swearing. Threatening Michael.
“What we have here is failure to communicate”.
They wanted Samuel L Jackson for this role, didn’t they?
Death.

“Mr Sandman”. Had to really. Don’t like this version.
Domestic bliss in the Strode household.
Laurie is a complete bitch. Die, bitch, die.
She’s mean to Tommy.
Why does the kid like her?

How handy, little!Michael stashed his favourite mask and knife for this very occasion.
Gotta say, like the mask. It’s all rotten and joker-like.

YAY! DANIELLE HARRIS!
I will refer to her as TK. I know she should be referred to as Jamie Lloyd, but I’ve been on a Boy Meets World binge recently.
Can we move on from this girlish giggly conversation.
Makes me want to vomit.
Alcohol boils at 78 degrees. And we care why?

LINDERMAN.
Look, it’s the pureblood vampire that Mercury kills in Blade.

Why do these girls have to bring the dumb?
Michael: *lurks*
TK’s dad is the Sheriff.

BRAD DOURIF!
BRAD DOURIF IS TK’S DAD.
THIS IS THE AWESOMEST FAMILY EVAH.

Mrs Strode is having a meltdown over a plastic skeleton.
Meh. Just die already.

Title card: TRICK OR TREAT
Oooooh.

Two teenagers screwing in the Myers house. That’ll end well.
BOOBS!
Bad sex? Huh.
Drinking.
“Don’t Fear The Reaper” is playing again. Remember how I explained how clever this was?
Well, twice as clever now. See, it’s calling back to the previous murder. Trés clever.
Rehash of original Halloween murders. Sheet. Death, etc.
Ladies and gentlemen, that there is a naked woman. Very naked.

LINDERMAN!
Buying guns from the most awesome (and blood-thirsty) salesman in the world.
Who just happens to be a Monkee.

Strode parents are dead.
Now just kill Laurie. She needs it. Have TK as a sister instead. Her dad is Brad Dourif.

Laurie is just too fucking cool to be nice to the kid she’s paid to look after.
But she can be a complete bitch to him and psychologically scar him for life.

TK is ditching the kid she’s babysitting. At least she’s honest about being too cool to look after kids.

LINDERMAN AND BRAD DOURIF.
MUCH LOVE.
Who cares what they’re saying?

TK and kid are being stalked by Michael.
TK is snarky, but that’s Danielle Harris’ thing, so I’ll let it slide.
TK is setting Laurie up with someone she referred to as “retarded”.
Laurie agrees that she “needs a boyfriend”.
She needs something. Might be a personality transplant, but a boyfriend couldn’t hurt.

TK’s off to get laid.

LINDERMAN AND BRAD DOURIF AGAIN.
Still don’t care what they’re saying.
Exposition about evil, I think.
Oooh, quote from original movie, I think.
No, it only goes as far as “I first met Michael…”
I fancy Brad Dourif in a wrong sort of way.

Newsflash: The Strodes have the worst answer phone message ever. I don’t care if it’s because of Halloween. They deserved to die.

“I need closure on this topic”?
Tommy Doyle is made of awesome.
“Leave me alone for five seconds please!”
Laurie is a lazy bitch.

TK sex scene. Bet we don’t get to see boobs.
BOOBS!
I know she’s 30, but I’ve just seen a Disney character’s tits. I feel wrong.
TK is running topless for her life. And she’s feisty.
This is my new favourite movie.
Ow. Rug burn on the nipples. That’s gotta hurt.
RIP TK.

“I’m the Queen of Sheba, bow down and worship me.”
Usually I hate kids in horror movies, but these two are made of awesome.
It could be because every other person (aside from LINDERMAN and BRAD DOURIF) sucks.

TK IS ALIVE! I LOVE THIS MOVIE!
And now Michael is going to try and kill Laurie! Yay!
TK screams for Laurie to run. TK is awesome!

“He’s found her! He’s found her for god’s sake!”
LINDERMAN just delivered his line really badly. I forgive him.

Tommy, don’t open the door. Let Laurie die.
You bastard. You’re no longer my favourite.
Too much screaming.
Lock yourself in the bathroom with a glass door. Way secure.
Distrust the copper, even though you can see him through the door.
Way to be an idiot.
Dead copper.
Bullet in Michael, don’t think he noticed.
Two dead coppers.
Way too much screaming.
Michael has taken Laurie.
Kill her! Kill her now!

BRAD DOURIF and TK are both alive.
Can the movie end now?

Screamy exposition from kids.
LINDERMAN is on the case.

Laurie, Lynda is dead. Clearly. She’s blue.
Therefore, stop screaming “LYNDA, WAKE UP!”
I hate to give Twilight any credit, but James is right, it’s always the same, “Who are you? What do you want?”

Laurie, just give Michael a hug.
He’s killed all these annoying bastards for you.
Hug him. Join him. You know, like Leatherface and co.
Or, you know, stab him and really piss him off.
And then scream, to alert him to your location.
Whichever you feel is best.
Dude, shut the fuck up.
I hope you die.

Trapped in an empty pool. Interesting.
Yes, keep screaming so that Michael can find you easier.
This is why serial killers don’t run.
They don’t have to.

LINDERMAN!
Don’t try to reason with him, just shoot him in the face with your new gun.
That’s not the face.
Nor that.
Or that.
But he’s down, now run!

Is that the boogeyman?
What do you think, dumbass?
Just let Laurie die already. He might stop once she’s dead.

RIP LINDERMAN!
Bored now. Just let Laurie die.
Boring scenes of cat and mouse, only without the suspense.
LINDERMAN LIVES!

Just kill her already, Michael.
Window!Smash
Gun. Shoot.
How are there three empty clicks?
Aren’t there six bullets in a gun?
LINDERMAN shot him three times.
Three empty clicks, followed by brainsplode!
GOOD REACTION, LAURIE!

Will now watch the commentary.